


Sam's Christmas Present

by CrowalaBear



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Crack, How Many Puns are Too Many Puns?, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Multi, this is not good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28211724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrowalaBear/pseuds/CrowalaBear
Relationships: Beba/schoolwork, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Me/Puns, Romy/plants, Romy/schoolwork, Sam/Brendan, Sophie/selflove, Tabitha/FarmVille
Kudos: 5





	Sam's Christmas Present

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz didn’t really know how he felt about comic con yet. He’d been to other conventions before, mainly pharmacists events he was mistakenly invited to, or the occasional science fair he’d sneak into in order to sabotage volcano projects. But, none of those were quite as chaotic as comic-con and he was feeling a bit overwhelmed alone in the middle of everything.

Of course, he didn’t start off this experience alone, he was actually at this year’s convention to accompany his boyfriend Perry. Perry had been super excited to go this year because apparently, thanks in great part to the rallying efforts of one fanfiction writing superfan, the 2009 facebook game Farmville was now getting a panel, and Perry had always been a huge fan of the game. So, being a good boyfriend, Doofenshmirtz decided to join his lover and go to this game’s panel, but he'd gotten distracted at some point and wandered away from Perry, and now he was lost.

In Doof’s defence, it was really not his fault that he got side-tracked, he was justifiably intrigued by this plant booth right in the middle of the convention, and he just had to get closer and check it out. As he neared the booth, he noticed there were even more plants than he initially thought even possible, and they were all beautiful and thriving, he’d never seen anything more magnificent, and that’s saying something considering Doof is friends with Planty the Potted Plant, so he resolved to pay a compliment to the lady manning the booth.

She was working on a laptop amongst the plants, so he approached and called out to her.  
“Um- excuse me, plant lady”  
“Oh, Aloe there. I didn’t notice you there, i was working on this essay for school and was just super into it, I hope i didn’t leaf you waiting long”  
“No, it’s fine, I’ve got thyme, so I can wait a beet if your homework is a big dill”  
“Nah, I’m mint to turn it in like tree weeks from now so there’s no bush. Plus I’m super frond of the subject my essay’s about so I’m not really pricked about it. Not even a little bit.”  
“Ah well, I don’t mean to soil your fun interrupting your clearly relaxing homework time. I just wanted to say, I don’t be-leaf chive ever seen such an amazing collection of plants! You grow girl”   
“Oh my gourd, thank you so much! I’ve poured my heart and soil into them, so it’s really plant-tastic to hear that!”  
“You know, it’s been a while since I’ve botany plants. Do you think i could take one?”  
“Sure! I’m a big supporter of plant parenthood, what were you looking for?”  
“Something that’s easy to take care of, so I won’t end up kale-ing it”  
“Yeah, it would sure succ(ulent) if if it died on you. I think a cactus might be a fern plant buddy for you!”   
“Oh yes! I’ll take it, thisle be great!”  
“Well, thank you for supporting Romy’s Rainforest! I’ll be rooting for you and your new plant”  
“Thank you, I’ll cact(i) you later! Have fun with your homework, which you clearly have a great relationship with since it brings you joy and doesn’t stress you out at all!”

It took Doofenshmirtz around ten minutes of wandering around with his new friend, who he’d named Elvis Parsley, before he realized he had no idea where to go or where his boyfriend Perry could be now. That’s when the panic started, see, Doof wasn’t really good by himself as a result of being constantly abandoned by his parents on all of his birthdays, including his actual birth. So all this sort of manifested in that moment and resulted in him crying a little and maybe starting to get a panic attack.   
“G’day mate” he heard from behind him. Doof whipped around to find two women and a baby standing behind him. It was the woman holding the baby that had addressed him.  
“Ya looking pretty devo there, would you like a turn holding the communal baby?”  
“The what now?”  
“Communal baby Logan, would you like to hold him for a bit?”  
Doof seriously considered it for a minute, as that was one cute as hell baby and he could really use some comfort at the moment.  
“Are you sure it would be okay?”  
“Don’t be a drongo mate, of course it’s no wucka’s. It’s the communal baby” The other woman reassured him.   
Feeling satisfied that it was in fact ok, Doofenshmirtz took the baby into his arms and he instantly felt a wave of joy and calmness wash over him. This ‘comunal baby’ thing really was something.  
“So, what’s the John Dory then? What’s got you so down you needed my kid?”  
“I’ve lost my boyfriend somewhere around here and I was just sad because I have no idea how to find him”   
“Good on ya man. Not that you lost your boyfriend! That you have one, that's what's a beauty! I have one of those too. Not a boyfriend tho, a girl. A girlfriend! And she’s got a face and everything. A pretty face, that is. Like, she’s just really beautiful and nice and I really like her. Plus, she treats me really well, like I deserve, cause I’m a fucking queen and I should always be treated with love and respect, which I aknowledge and don’t ever forget. And it’s gnarly that you seem to have a person for that too, that’s what I’m trying to say,”  
Doof was going to correct her on the whole “person” thing, but she didn’t really want to frazzle the seemingly panicked but surprisingly self-confident young woman any more, so instead, he just smiled and turned to the other woman.  
“What about you? Do you have a significant other who you share ownership of Logan with?”  
“Oh defo! It was love at second sight, Brendan painted a stick figure under a tree on me and then told me he had a motorcycle and then we were pashing for like 20 minutes. We’re bloody iconic.”  
“Ya know, we know someone who can get you to your boyfriend, she’s a real cobber so I bet she’ll help out”  
“That would be great, thank you so much!” 

Between the cute baby in his arms and the hope that he would get to see his other half soon, Doofenshmirtz’s mood had really picked up. And so, he practically skipped behind the two blondes as they led him towards the edge of the convention and right next to another girl. She was casually stroking a horse’s mane, but she stopped as they approached. Doofenshmirtz wasn’t really fazed by the animal as other people might be, after meeting many O.W.C.A agents, he was kind of used to animals in enclosed spaces.

“Hello Beba, if you aren’t busy right now, could you get our other friend here so she can help out this poor bloke?”  
“Yeah sure! I’m not busy at all, just chilling. I’ve finished all my school work and it was all super easy, quick and flawless so now I’m free to do whatever”  
“We’re stoked to hear that luv! We’ll leave him with you then. Sam and I will be heading over to maccas now if you wanna swing by later in the arvo”  
With that, the mother of the communal baby took him back from Doofenshmirtz and they walked away, leaving the scientist with this Beba person who was apparently a very good student who never really got stressed out by schoolwork and also could apparently help him get to Perry somehow.  
“Right, so I’ll summon my friend and then she can help you with whatever it is you need”  
Before Doof could ask her what she meant by ‘summon’ she started chanting aloud.

“Tsamina mina, eh eh  
Waka waka, eh eh  
Tsamina mina zangalewa  
Anawa ah ah”

As she recited the words, an incredibly cute black cat wandered over and started to slowly transform into a woman.

“Why have I, Alpha of All Tops, Hot Ass Queen of the Underworld, Wing Woman Extraordinaire and Goddess of Emotes, been awakened from my rare and very important long slumber?”  
Beba nodded at him, signalling that he should speak, so he went ahead and explained the situation.  
“Well you see Queen of the Underworld, I lost my boyfriend Perry, I’m pretty sure he is at the farmville panel which is starting soon, but I have no idea how to get there because I have never been good with directions like my brother Roger, and I forgot my Locate-inator at home. Some very nice people, including Beba here, have said you could help me get to him”  
“Of course, I can most certainly help you get to your love. It is one of my powers as Wing Woman Extraordinaire. What does your boyfriend look like? I will try to locate him”  
“Well he is very short, he’s a platypus, and he’s wearing a fedora that makes him look incredibly sexy”  
“Um...could you repeat that I am certain I didn’t hear you correctly”  
“Right, of course! His a short platypus with a sexy fedora”  
“Ok ok okokokok ok okokok…” She kept repeating that to herself as she slowly walked around for a bit, then she seemed to snap out of it and turned to him again.  
“So your boyfriend is a platypus”  
“A very hot one, yes”  
“Sure, why am I the only one reacting? Do you not think this is slightly disturbing?” She turned to ask Beba this, who had been very calm up to this point.  
“Nah, I could definitely see how a grown man can have sexual tension and an eventual long and happy relationship with a platypus in a fedora. This makes sense”  
“You know what? I’m going to get you to your platypus boyfriend before I have time to consider the implications”  
Doofenshmirtz then saw as an army of knife-wielding crabs appeared out of seemingly nowhere and the woman said something to them before they dispersed throughout the convention. After what felt like minutes to the expectant scientist but were really just a couple of seconds, the crabs returned and the woman turned to him again.  
“My clawsome helpers have located your boyfriend, now close your eyes and I’ll get you to him”

Doofenshmirtz smiled at the nice ladies who helped him out and then closed his eyes as he was asked, when he opened them again, he was greeted by the best sight ever second only to Vanessa’s face.  
“Krrrrrrrrr”  
“Oh Perry the Platypus, I am so glad to see you”  
“Krrrrrr”  
He was gonna answer the question, but before he could, everyone around them started clapping and their attention was diverted to a stage in the front of the room they were currently in, where a woman in a haystack costume was illuminated by a spotlight. Doof realized this must be the start of the Farmville panel. As the applause died down, the haystack cosplayer began speaking.

“Hello fellow FarmVillagers! Most of you may know me as FarmerWife732, which is my Ao3 username, under which I’ve written many udderly amazing and mostly smutty Farmville fics. I just wanted to say thank you all for your support, I truly can’t get pasture commitment and love for this game and for my fics. We did it Joes, we did it. We got a panel at comic-con and I’m really happy for all of us, but mostly for myself. Now before I leave and the panel begins, I just want you all to remember I AM TABITHA AND I VERY MUCH LOVE FARMVILLE”

As Perry joined in to the ecstatic clapping around them, Doofenshmirtz felt content, and he decided in that very moment that he absolutely loved comic-con, if only to see the happy quirk of his lover’s beak.

THE END


End file.
